How do I cope with my 14-year-old son being gay?

Here's some advice from Daily Mirror writer Coleen Nolan (London) about a father who thinks his son is gay. Unfortunately, it's a fairly typical reaction from parents as their "dreams and hopes" for their sons/daughters are dashed when they realize that they might be gay. But Coleen offers some good advice (although short on offering information) on how to handle the surprise.

If you are having the same thoughts or your parents are responding in the same way, contact a local LGBT , PFLAG or other gay-friendly organization for more information. If you need to talk to someone you can call The Trevor Project anonymously and talk to a trained counselor.

by Coleen Nolan, Daily Mirror 3/01/2012

Dear Coleen,
My 14-year-old son is displaying strong homosexual tendencies. I discovered he’d been looking at gay porn on the web and I approached him about it verbally then via email (I’m divorced from his mum and he lives with her).

He’s reacted well and I’ve taken a comforting, supportive approach, advising him that he must have found this confusing and it doesn’t necessarily mean he is gay, it’s all part of ­experimentation.

But while I’m trying to tell myself it’s just a phase, he’s told me other things – that he masturbates to gay images and has urges to kiss his mates at sleepovers.

I told him not to worry about the urges to kiss his friends, as this could just be the excitement of having a good time. I also advised him to be wary of acting upon the urges to protect his friendships. And I’ve tried to encourage him to immerse himself in activities away from sex and relationships.

My problem is I’m hiding my real feelings. I know I might sound homophobic and I am not anti-gay or ­judgmental, it’s just that most men have hopes for their sons and this was never on the agenda.

I haven’t told his mum and don’t know whether I should. And should I block the porn sites or just monitor what he’s looking at? I don’t want him to think there’s anything wrong with himself.
I have considered trying to stir up heterosexual feelings by encouraging him to visit regular porn sites. This is ­probably a daft idea but I’m confused.

I am beating myself up that I’ve facilitated this situation by leaving my wife and children. I feel it’s my fault.

Coleen says..

The way your son is feeling is nothing to do with what you have or haven’t done. You should be patting yourself on the back because you’ve handled it brilliantly.

And I don’t think you’re homophobic – I think this has just come as a shock and all parents tend to map out a future for their children. Your son’s life is simply taking a direction that you didn’t expect.

I don’t think he should be looking at any porn at 14, so I would block those sites, but explain to him that it’s to do with his age, not his sexual feelings for boys. While we’re on the subject, pictures of topless women are not going to stop him from being gay!
Keep lines of communication open, tell him you love him and I do think you should talk to his mum. Talk about it as a family. If your son is gay, it has nothing to do with you leaving. Carry on doing what you’re doing.

Havea problem with this response or another question for Coleen? 

Email her at dearcoleen@mirror.co.uk or write to Coleen Nolan, The Daily Mirror, One Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5AP

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